xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
