Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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