Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I have already put on my inside pants.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
