If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
So apparently I’m into choking now
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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