I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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