do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
