What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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