I hate your face
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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