Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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