So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize