I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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