Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
