NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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