im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
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