I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
