Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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