Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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