ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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