My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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