just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
