I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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