I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
