this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Randomize
