Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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