my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
how does that bad decision feel?
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