My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
