The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
