i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
