I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
