peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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