I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
