honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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