I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
