Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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