I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You know, be my cock's hype man.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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