you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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