I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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