look no pants
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
