Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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