you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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