did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
