I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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