Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
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