Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
