Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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