My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
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