You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
my nose is crying tears of wow.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
