The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
