I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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