I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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