He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
