I am puke
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
this hospital has no fireball
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
