i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
