If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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