sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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