I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Are we still banned from the library?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
