Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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