I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize