so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
