just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
