He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
