if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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