Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
