i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
