god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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